feeling great!

yes...i do believe i have finally found a church that i am comfortable in....i love it...for so many years i have searched for a congregation of folks that come together to worship without all the judgmental looks....and i have quit smoking which is just great...i never thought i would be able to quit and yet here i am smoke free....cool....i can understand why the LDS folks have got a bad rap.....they have a habit of doing what God said instead of what the world says and to me thats cool, but to a lot of other folks its too hard to live that way...they ask people in the congregation to refrain from doing things that are harmful to themselves or others and i honestly dont have a problem with that at all...in fact i think it is absolutely wonderful....i have always been the sort of person that tries to find good in all things and i didnt know that there was any denomination that preached about Gods awesome love that He has for us....all i ever hear is about how He is going to send us to hell if we dont behave...well, it just isnt true....and now i know that i am not the only one that believes this...i am looking forward to taking my new job with the Lord and i am sure He will be happy that i am doing it....i feel honored and blessed to have such an awesome God helping me every day to become a better person...thank you Jesus...peace to all.

living for God is hard

yep...it sure is.....living the way God wants me to is not easy for me...i have no will power and often find myself doing things i probably shouldnt be doing, like smoking for one thing...i know He doesnt want me to smoke.....i have tried for a long time to quit by myself, but it looks like im going to be giving this to God because i really need His help if i seriously want to stop.....im positive that this time i will quit and it will work...today is the last day of smoking for me, then no more....there are a lot of other things i need to do to that i will need His help with, like keeping my temper and such or trying not to let others get in between me and God...i know that the subject of God and jesus tends to stir up anger in some folks so sometimes its hard to keep a peaceful feeling in you, but with Gods help all things are possible, so im going to just trust Him and see how things go...im sure it will be wonderful...whenever i think of how hard it is for me to get up on sunday morning or how hard it is to live the way God wants me to, i remember what Jesus went thru for me and it helps a lot...now last sunday i had intended to go to church but the idea of me changing for the better and living for God upset my family to the point that we were fighting all weekend, but its all good now because after all the strife my husband has decided that if me going to church can bring peace to the family then he will go with me....that by itself is a miracle...my husband believes and loves God, but doesnt like to go to church because of all the people that go that are not there for God but for each other....so if things work out well, my family will finally be on a spiritual path together instead of separately...amen

Awesome Day!

yes...today was awesome...my daughter was baptized and it was a wonderful experience...i think i will hang out with these folks for a bit...they seem very nice and so far everything checks thru God...i try to ask God about most things that i do so it only stands to reason that i would be asking Him if this congregation is ok....so far so good....i feel at peace over there so i might as well stay awhile....it was nice to see my daughter so happy for a change...i think its going to be a lot of fun with folks that are willing to accept me....i can accept just about anything in life, but rarely have i found a place that accepts me, so i feel honored and blessed to be a part of something so great...thanks God....peace.

changing Gods Word

i have noticed in my lifetime that most of the various religious services i have attended that it doesnt matter who it is or what religion, they seem to read the same words with different meanings every time....why cant people read Gods Word without putting in their own 2 cents?...oh well....i read it for what it is and dont try to put my own spin on it in any way shape or form....and its all of them, not just baptists or catholics...not just penticostal or whatever...just all of them......i often wonder if there is a church full of people anywhere that have actually read the Word and are not just going by what they are taught in church...so many times we are taught our pastors interpretation of the Word rather than the Word itself...get it together folks, dont you know that if you teach somebody wrong you get in a whole bunch of trouble with God?...read the actual words in the Book and stop trying to figure out what it means and start living it....peace

more about me and God

my childhood was great as far as i can remember...of course i have a lot of blanks spots, but im sure whatever it is that i cant remember is going to make me stronger someday...i got married pretty young and have been married now for over 20 years....they said it wasnt going to last....when i was little i remember singing to the flowers in the backyard...i always remember talking to God even tho i didnt come from a very religious family...im not sure when i found God in the beginning...i know my mom used to send us kids to sunday school....i do remember when God found me tho...after years of hearing His words of wisdom and choosing to do things my own way, we ended up in a homeless shelter that changed our lives....my husband and i were never bad people, we just liked to party a lot...we enjoyed drinking and hanging out.....you cant do that when you have kids cuz you have bills to pay, so we ended up there....this place was a religious based camp ground kind of thing....they made us go to church pretty much all day every day and we stated to see a problem when we realized that we werent allowed to leave...well, we could leave, but we would be homeless and it was winter time....and by leave i mean even to go look for a job....we really needed to work to get out of there, but we had chores to do there that kept all our time busy....it was not very much fun and was a lot of work and a little bit scary, but when we ran away from there we were determined to live right and never end up like that again...and we havent either...that was about 19 years ago...we figured out that when you do something wrong, then something bad will happen to you...and when you live right...well, things still go wrong but at least it isnt our fault...haha....anyway...my whole point in this blog is that i have seen and been thru some very bad things in my life...very bad things, but God gave me a chance to see good in any situation as terrible as it sounds.....dont let life get to you because we have something so much better waiting for us its just unreal...if everyone could see the beautiful things that God has shown me i know we would be all living in peace now...remember to keep an eye out for Jesus, Hes gonna be coming back soon....peace.

What a Great Day!

yes, i have to say that today was a very productive day and therefor, it was great.... i hate a day that goes by when i sit around not being constructive.....i have a lot of those it seems...i used to be able to work a lot and i enjoyed it....i remember when i was able to work double shifts and not even be tired....now i wake up tired....i have to force myself to get things done cuz my body hurts so much from that fibro stuff....but if i dont get enough exercise it gets worse actually.... i cut down on my coffee..a little....i havent had a cola or any carbonated beverages since last year some time....i just lost my taste for them...i feel better tho...no, i still dont drink water...not going to either and you cant make me...haha...i drink juice and tea and vitamin water, but no plain water...yuk...i never could stand just plain water...it seriously makes me sick to my stomach....but i dont recommend that everyone try to live without water...probably not healthy...just cuz i feel great doesnt mean it will work for all...any way...yes..today was a very pleasant and productive day and i hope that everyone else had a good day too, but i dont know if its possible for everyone to have a good day at the same time or else we would probably have world peace by now....so have a better day next time for those who didnt have a good day today and peace to you.

Too Much God?

how is that possible? its strange how so many people get irritated when you bring up the subject of God...it seems that people only want to talk about God on sundays... thats not very nice since we need Him every day.....seems to me like we should be thinking of Him more often than we do...i think its a shame that society has made God a taboo subject unless youre in church...they kicked Him out of our schools and now they are trying to kick Him out of our country...its ok...He knew it was going to happen and He told us....i think some of us are going to be fine and others might not be...its up to Him so try to remember Him every day and not just in church...thanks and peace

God is Awesome

God is awesome all the time even when we are not...He loves us and He blesses us every day even if we cant see it....even the tragedy in our lives is there for a greater purpose...i want so badly to live right but it can be hard at times...i need to quit smoking...i need to take better care of myself and eat better... i need to get more exercise and fresh air... why is it so hard to do these things? i need to stop worrying about bills so much and stop letting life get in the way of my relationship with God...He said we dont have to worry about these things but i do...it makes me feel like im letting Him down because He is so great to me and i dont do very much in return... i think i will try harder to do what i need to do...i will pray more because i will need God to help me...i have to remember that i cant do things on my own, i need Gods help because if i try to live without God i will screw it up....peace

my garden

in front of my little house is a small flower garden that has been neglected for years...my mom wanted us to fix it up and put her ashes there, but we never quite got around to it...maybe this year wont be so hot...there was a birdhouse there that me and my dad made together, but it was broken when the tree fell in a storm...i have never been able to have a garden for very long...i have trouble getting down on my knees to pull weeds and such and i have a terrible time in the heat...i would like to have a garden inside someday if my cats wont tear it up...i love flowers and the natural beauty they add to the planet...someday i would like to put one of those fish pond things in the garden...that would be nice...for now all we have there are some of those elephant ear plants some daffodils and a couple of wild flowers...not too bad, but needs work...we just got some flowers from the store to add but its raining so we will have to wait... never underestimate the power of a garden...everyone should have one...even if you dont like to garden like me... a garden is a special quiet place where nature is left to be...its cool...if you dont have one, get one...peace

instruction booklets

have you ever got something from the store that you have to put together? does it have 8 million parts and instructions so complicated that you just look at the picture on the box and try to figure it out on your own? yes...i have had so many of those products it makes me wonder why i have to put this stuff together anyway. the one i see at the store is together already, so why dont these things come together? or why cant i have the one in the store that IS together already? i just spent 2 days trying to help my nieces put up a trampoline...yikes...not fun at all....i think its physically impossible to get all those springs on...how about those yard swings and swing sets for kids? those are a lot of fun too....not....also not fun are entertainment centers, desk chairs, computer stands and pet play equipment.... i seriously do not like putting these things together......if you do have one of these things to put together, remember to make sure all of the parts are there before you start and never tighten the screws until you are sure you need to.....never let your pets or children try to help you.....never leave the parts unattended around pets and children.....read the entire instruction booklet before you start....it will save you time.....dont count on extra parts...sometimes they only pack what is needed....and most important, if you are putting together something that has a million tiny screws and things...please put a paper or something under them so they dont get lost in the carpet or the grass or wherever you may be working...you will never find them...they vanish if left unattended too long....anyway, thats my advice for putting things together at home if you have to....and when you are getting frustrated and want to throw the whole thing away, just remember...peace.

mood swings and age

for a few years now i have had trouble with waking up in a terrible mood...i think its because of the fibromyalgia...but anyway..i am not pleasant to be around when i first wake up...lately i have been trying to wake up in a better mood, but its hard to do when you live around difficult people...my dad is getting to the point where he cant really take care of himself and i have trouble trying to help because i have my own health issues, so it makes it hard sometimes to keep a cheery positive attitude...my dad doesnt seem to think that anyone needs help with anything except him...i love him, dont get me wrong...i have to, hes my dad, but there are other things that i have to tend to...i have a son and daughter and grandkids. now, my kids are big enough to tend to their own needs, but i still like to keep my own house and i just like spending time with them cuz they are pretty good kids....dad doesnt get it...he thinks i should spend every second i have with him...i sit with him as much as i can, but hes getting very grouchy these days and he always starts talking about how worthless everyone is and then i just have to leave...if i stay then i end up yelling at an old man and then i feel terrible....like i said..i try so hard every day to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes the people around me just suck the life out...i am more patient than i used to be when i was younger and it helps me...i suppose these mood swings are a result of irritable people contact as well as a change in my life as i am getting older...i know that women go thru changes as they get older so i am hoping that i will always be able to try to keep a happy personality and not let life or my hormones get in the way...until next time...peace

Spread Some Peace

i know its hard to keep a happy attitude when the world around you is so full of hate...but we have to...its vital to the entire planets existence that we be happy....see, if everyone is in a bad mood at the same time, that would just be way to much negative energy on the planet....since all of us cant be happy, then some of us have to try to spread as much peace as we can to keep things in order...we have to maintain a balance and i dont want to think about what could happen if everyone was in a bad mood at the same time......did you know that happiness is contagious? have you ever tried to be depressed around someone that is making you laugh? it is my belief that we can all live in peace someday if we all choose to be peaceful...i really believe it is that simple...but im crazy so you can take it or leave it...until next time, peace....and try to make someones day today if you can.

Life is Good

yes...i have to say that even with all the things i have had to deal with in my life, it is still pretty good...i have a roof over my head and stuff to eat...i have clothes to wear and both of my children attend church on a regular basis...yes, life is good....mind you, there are a million things that can and do go wrong in my life every day, but, its not what happens as much as it is what you do about it.....getting angry and frustrated only complicates things...making someone else feel bad because you feel bad isnt going to fix it....its not easy to keep peace about you...there are people that we come into contact with that will trigger that angry button, but we have to ask God at those times to help us overlook the negative energy and keep calm in difficult situations...most of my family are either atheist or just dont know for sure if God is there and many of the people i have contact with are naturally contrary....there are many times that i get angry, but im getting better with Gods help...He is helping me to deal with angry people in a better way...its my hope that people will begin to catch on and try not to be upset all the time....if everyone is in a good mood, the next thing that comes is peace....so, try to pass on a little peace today and try not to let the world p** on your parade

God is Real

of course i can only tell you my personal experience, but i know that God exists even if i have no way to prove it to others.....i do not attend a church, nor am i any particular denomination...i do believe that Jesus died for us and that He was the son of God....mind you, there are alot of other things i believe could be possible, but i will save that for some other time...sometimes folks are offended by my opinions even when i mean no offense..so, anyway, i also believe that we are all part of God....in my opinion, God is the pure love energy that we cant feel the full extent of because of all the hate and doubt in the world...to me, when we die, we will all be one with God if we keep our energy positive enough...too much negative energy will burn you out...Gods laws are really not that difficult when you think about it...He basically wants us to be nice to each other and work hard and just behave...is it really that hard to believe that something is responsible for us and loves us and wants us to join them some day? yes...yes it is...i have tried to be a good person and i find myself getting angry over selfish reasons...so none of us are perfect...we can be...we can try harder...we can be good people...please let yourself think about good things and try not to get consumed with the sadness that life can bring...until next time...peace

sometimes life sucks

its true..sometimes life really does suck...ive said before that i try to see the good in situations, but, face it, sometimes there are things i just cant see any solution to....my dad is getting old and he has become a pain in the but lately....i owe dad alot cuz hes always been there for us, but its getting ridiculous..this morning...a saturday morning...he calls me at 7am to tell me to screw myself because im not over there fixing his tv that i didnt know was broken because i was asleep...i love my dad, but dang...the worst part is that i am not the best of people in the morning...i have fibrmyalgia and it is hard for me to get a good night sleep anyway, so i wake up very irritable...very very irritable...ive tried to do everything to keep from being like that when i wake up, but i cant help it...so when folks are yelling at me in the morning it kind of ruins my whole day and makes it very difficult to look at things in a possitive manner...i believe that keeping positive things around you can help you stay in a better state of mind....i think that if everyone would just stop being so angry all the time, maybe i would wake up in a good mood...i dont know...its just a thought...and just my thought which isnt of any significance to anyone but me and possibly God.....peace

is anybody out there?

for years i would never even touch a computer...i didnt want anything to do with them...one day i thought about going back to college, so i did and i got myself a computer...thank goodness the first class was about computers or i would have been screwed......of course i ended up being screwed anyway because of calculus...i just cant do it....im not an idiot...i just dont do math.....basic everyday math is fine...real numbers with real solutions....i have never in my life had an "x" amount of apples...i have always had an exact amount of whatever i was trying to calculate....i think most of my brain works with the imaginative side....the logical side doesnt work all the time..haha...i am thankful for the computer world tho...my mom tried to get me on here for years, but it wasnt until after she died that i decided to check it out finally.....well, that, and she wasnt here to google things for me anymore and my son wont help me...he says i have to learn how to do it...i guess hes right...i like the fact that the internet has allowed me to have somewhat of a social life again...i have been sort of reclusive for some years now....i used to be a singer and then my teeth got pretty bad because of some health problems i am having, so i stay in alot...i wait for a day when i can afford to get them fixed so i can smile in public one more time...i have met some wonderful people on here and i think its great that we have this kind of technology....its too bad we arent using it for more constructive things...sure, there are alot of great things going on online, but we could do so much more if we put our minds to it...maybe we will after everyone gets done being selfish.....me too im sure....i could do more, but im lazy...i admit it....i want folks to get along and live in peace, but im not doing a thing about it but typing into cyberspace where my words will probably never even be read...so, yeah, im lazy too...but maybe my words will find someone and make them feel better...and if my words bring happiness to just one person, than that will be worth it...God bless...until next time....peace

hmmm....where do "followers" come from?

i was sitting here today wondering how people are followed on these blog things....my son has alot of followers...he says its because he blogs about interesting topics....i guess he is implying that i am boring....ok...i can live with that....but i would think that maybe i would be a little interesting....i mean, look at that housewife the arrested the other day for being a terror suspect....she was online talking about changing things by killing a cartoonist....whats up with that?......how is killing someone that offends you a good thing to do? i try to tell folks about peace and how we can live together without having to judge each other and no one is even following me...thats a sad thing.....hate is continuing to get more attention every day...it is my belief that our planet is doomed because the only way we can save it is to work together and we will never do that....all it takes is a little compromise and understanding for us to achieve great things, but we would rather blow each other up than sit down and talk about it....i have to add that there is a God...whatever you choose to call Him, He is there....that pure love energy and feeling of peace we get when all is well IS the presence of our creator, believe it or not...is it such a bad thing to believe that there is someone out there that cares for us and loves us no matter? i cant seem to understand why some folks are offended by peace...thats insane if you ask me...but no one has ever asked me my opinion......and im sure there is somebody out there that will tell me i am crazy along with other hateful things they can say, but i dont mind.....you see, everyone has a story...there is a reason why everyone acts the way they do...its just a matter of a series of life experiences and how they were dealt with....some folks cant deal with some things as well as others and some people turn frustration into anger and i feel so very bad for those that cant feel love anymore.....it hurts me every day to know that somewhere a tragedy can be prevented if only someone had the right words...so remember...before you lose your temper with someone or before you get yourself in a tither, try to understand why the other person is upset and maybe you can work it out....until next time...peace.

another day, another blog

did you know that my own son has been blogging for 3 years and i never knew? what kind of a mother doesnt know these things? hes a good kid....very into computers...always has been...my son is one of the most rational people i know and i sometimes look to him for advice......he is able to look at things in a more logical manner when i have the tendency to be emotional at times...im proud of him...hes a good student and has grown to be a caring person...i am also proud of my daughter....she was a little too unique to make it thru the conventional education system....she has her own view of life and didnt want to conform....she has very strong opinions and always has....and she has never been afraid to share her opinions.....i admire that in her...i have always been one to sort of get walked on because i dont like to hurt anyones feelings even if its at my own expense....thats not really a good quality...im happy that both of my children have grown to be nice people, even if they act a little strange at times...i love them....they are the greatest gift my husband ever gave me...hes pretty ok too....sometimes i feel like we dont have alot in common, but we have been together ever since i was 15, so we must have something....we have good communication...we have always been able to sit down and talk about things that bother us...sure we have fights, but its never been anything that we couldnt work thru...and trust me, there has been a few times when i wasnt sure if we would make it, but that is for another blog...ta ta for now.

Hello, How Are You?

this whole blogging thing is ok i guess...its nice to live in a world where we can all talk to each other and share ideas...its a shame that we dont...i have met some of the most wonderful people online....i met my best friend online....i have also met some very rude people online....i never knew that there were people out there with so much hate in them...it makes me sad....i guess i have always lived in my own little world and never really paid much attention to the real one....i have seen so many things in my life i cant believe that i am only 40...i feel like i am at least 97..haha..life is too short to be angry all the time...you have to keep a sense of humor about you....if you cant laugh at life, you will probably go insane....if life laughs at you, you are already insane...haha....there are some people that think i need some therapy, so just for them, this IS my therapy....lol....i hope that folks will read my blogs and maybe they will gain something from my words...it would be nice to be able to help someone in need....i want to share a message of peace with everyone and hope we can all learn to get along someday before we kill each other.

What's Up?

nothing is up...absolutely nothing.....life is what we make it i guess...i believe that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we handle it...i am often misunderstood because i sometimes laugh at terrible situations...i think its just a self preservation mechanism.....my mom was like that too..we spent some of our best days together when she was in the hospital on her death bed...she was alot of fun...she even made a joke about how messy a bleedout is after she bled out....then she went into a coma...terrible, yes. she was a beautiful woman and the smartest person i ever met....i wonder why she hooked up with my dad....she said he was alot of fun, but i guess i never saw that side....hes only been impatient and picky as far as i know.....hes a generous guy that would give you the shirt off your back, but hes also the type that wont let you forget that he gave you the shirt off his back..he is a military man and everything has to be done his way or its wrong...there isnt any other way to do things than his way and thats it......you know those kind of parents that tell you in one breath how wonderful you are and in the next breath you are worthless....thats them...no wonder we never did anything with our lives...no wonder im sitting here typing letters to myself...haha..and to find out after all this time that my siblings hate me and always have, just because my dad took their mom away...was not my fault i was born...and 40 years is a long time to hold a grudge, isnt it?...i always thought i was going to be a famous singer when i was growing up...its funny how real life changes the hopes and dreams of children as they grow...maybe still someday..where is that supportive family i was supposed to have? and why didnt i ever have the nerve to go get things in life i wanted? i love my husband and children and grandchildren.....i hope to be a better or at least more consistent role model for them...and if im not, i hope they have enough brains not to let other people hold them back from the dreams they have...life is too short to let people put you down and suck the life out....live....the meaning of life is to live.

Followers?

So....i wonder if anyone is ever going to be following these blogs of mine......im not famous and i dont even stand out in my community....in reality i have been a recluse pretty much......i used to have a social life, but after some time people get on my nerves....most people dont have any consideration for anyone but themselves.......i stay away from the general public because of all the hate people have in them....i get irritable when i get around angry people...lol.....well, anyway....im hoping that some day i will sign in and have a follower...that would be cool....and thank you blog people for providing a spot for me to ramble...bbl

What About Aliens?

i cant say that i know 100% that aliens are out there, but it is more likely than not......i know what youre thinking...how can i believe in other life forms in space and believe in God....well...i have not seen anything in the Bible that says there isnt........just because we are His greatest doesnt mean we are His only....and i seem to think that maybe we are the ones that put that in there about being His best creation and all........in my opinion...humans were one of the worst things He made...haha...look at us....we hate each other...we cant get along down here for 2 seconds.... i hope for our sake that there is other life out there and maybe they are nice enought o help us out since we cant seem to get it right on our own and no one wants to ask God for help anymore......maybe He will send aliens or angels or something....yeah yeah...i know Hes going to be sending Jesus back and all, but it is nice to think that maybe we dont have to destroy the planet in order to get it right.....maybe we could all get together and apologize to God for messing up His planet and maybe He will let us keep it longer.....i think aliens are out there and i figure they dont want to bother with us cuz we are so mean........you know if they can travel thru space like that...then they have to be able to get satelite tv, so can you imagine what they must think of us? well....until next time...live long and prosper

God....my opinion

i just got back from a nice visit with the mormons....nice folks...i attended a pentecostal church for almost a year...that was pleasant. my husband is baptist, but never goes to church. my son goes to church every week....as does my daughter....not because of us, but they made their own choice to attend. as for me...well...ive been to several denominations of churches trying to see what other folks believe in, but have never quite found the spot im looking for. God could be felt in a couple of those churches, but the people made it uncomfortable for me...ive never had any problems with God, just church people. one day while attended church i was overtaken by such a strong sense of love and peace that i knew it must be God....but it scared me half to death, so i quit going to church. around the same time frame, i went to sleep one night and had the most realistic dream ever. my spirit left my body and i was in...what i think... heaven. Jesus showed me around and its beautiful...warm, peaceful....words just cant describe the feeling i had. everything was kind of florescent to me...now i know it was because there are no shadows in heaven...no darkness at all...thats why it seemed that all was like glowing or something like that...anyway...all Jesus had to say to me was that i would not be able to go beyond this wall up there...where God dwells...unless i quit smoking....sounds silly i know, but thats what He told me....then He said that He wants folks to know that He is really coming so dont worry and be good to each other until He gets here. sounds reasonable i guess. except that i am not an overly religious person and have no idea why i would be worth His time. its not like anyone ever listens to me anyway and now im just the crazy lady that talks to God. maybe i am crazy, but all it was was a message of peace and hope, so people shouldnt get too offended by it.....you wouldnt think, but some folks get offended by everything. i dont know alot about anything, but i do know that in my heart God is real and i feel bad that so many folks have given up on Him....im not saying that He is like they teach with His wrath and all....He may just be a more intelligent entity than we are or maybe we are all connected like the borg in star trek...in case you havent noticed, im also a big star trek fan.....maybe God is like Q.....i dont know...i just know He is there....most religions agree on the beginning and the end of things...if we can just learn to get along with the stuff in between, i think we would be better off. besides...do you really need to believe in God to be nice to each other? why does God make people so angry? why does the thought of an unknown presence loving us cause us doubt and grief? it shouldnt....just love each other...no matter what you believe in, you have to believe that treating people nicely is a better way to go. im not asking anyone to believe me or anything like that...just my own experience i wanted to share. peace is always good in my opinion.

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ok...so...im back here again. like i was saying, im an average folk i guess.......i used to think i was special cuz mom said so, but the rest of the world sees me as ordinary. i used to sing for awhile... a few years, but it seems that the only places i was able to perform at were bars or talent shows....that gets old quick....drunks were more fun when i was one of them. since i quit drinking, bars arent near as much fun as they used to be. i also got sick of everyone telling me what a great singer i was, but not able to tell me what to do with the talent....so i gave up. i think it would be better if i had someone in my life that had positive input. all i ever get is negative feedback from my family. my husband was afraid if i were to become famous that i would not love him anymore and then my mom got real sick and now my dad is sick, so i have to keep putting my life and hopes and dreams on hold. i dont mind. im hoping that i will outlive all these yahoos and then i can do something with my life. i have graduated from several trade schools and am currently taking a course in social work and psychology. i dont know if i will ever complete this course....i have a problem with some of the lessons. i have the unique ability to feel for others like counselor troy on star trek...im very empathic, however, i cant seem to find any reasoning behind a person that has sexual relations with a child...and thats what this section of the book is about...why these folks are like that....for the first time in my life...i found a group of people that i cant empathize with. i tried, but i just cant. now i spend my days tending to my dad, trying to keep up with my farm on facebook and watching episodes of house. i have a different view of life and i thought it would be nice to share my strange ideas with the world. if you happen to be curious, my next blog is going to be about when i met God.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of my Life

So...this is a blog spot....cool....i am a 40 year old female that is still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i would like to say that i had a normal childhood and a great family, but im not very good at telling lies. my mom was great. since she died 4 years ago, we dont really have a family. its just not the same. i always try to look at the good side of things, but lately it has become more difficult to find anything good. maybe im having a mid-life crisis or something. a long time ago, i spoke with a counselor that said it is healthy to write when you get a bunch of things in your head, so i thought i would check out this whole blogging thing. i dont know if anyone is going to read this, but it does help to fell like im talking to someone...haha. i tried to keep a diary once or twice, but i hate writing...it cramps my hand....so, typing is better for me. anyway, like i was saying...my whole family is nuts...not funny nuts, but crazy nuts. from what ive heard since mom died...my brothers and sisters...i have 4..were not happy when mom met my dad. i guess he was always kind of harsh and abusive, so they took it out on me. never wanted me in the family, so i have been told repeatedly. screw them...i never did anything to them...my dad was a jerk to me too, not just them. the only thing that saved us is that he worked alot. he was gone most of the time, but i do remember when he came home there was always a big fight...then he would buy a bunch of stuff, everyone happy again...go back to work. maybe thats why mom drank so much...maybe thats why she isnt here now....she died from liver failure. thats not a pleasant way to go at all. if they want folks to quit drinking, maybe they should have a film of someone when their liver shuts down...its not pretty at all. mom was coughing up some blood a little and the nurse gave me a bucket to hold...then it seemed like all of moms insides came out into that bucket......i had her blood all over my hands and it has stuck with me to this day. i wonder where the rest of the family was and why i had to hold the damn bucket. one of my sisters came here to live with dad....to help....yeah...whatever. just waiting for dad to die so they can take whatever he has left i guess. now i am living in mom and dads little guest house, but not for free. i pay the taxes and the insurance on the house and pay the mortgage, but im not allowed to make any decisions here cuz its still dads house. every time we get in a fight, he says i have to get out. and we fight over stupid stuff. like him wanting me to open and close the window 400 times a day to let cats in and out. i have no problem with cats...i love them...i just dont like all the work they create because dad is obsessive. ive been married for 23 years to a jerk, but i love him.....i wonder if all men are selfish or if its all people or just everyone i know...hmmm.....hes ok....he makes sure we have what we need, but not before he has his needs. at least he works..right? he doesnt hit me or run around with other women or anything, so i guess i could have done worse. our relationship is good...its just missing a spiritual side. he cant seem to understand why i have a need to share thoughts with him. he claims that after all these years we dont have anything left to talk about....but what about daily events? cant we talk about the news and stuff? no....we have very different political views. we have different views on everything. he hates everybody i think... he complains about rich people and poor people and handicapped people and so on. i told him that we could have been better off financially if we had worked harder and didnt party away our youth, but he cant see it....well...im going to go for now...i have to go fix the old guy some breakfast....my sis must have forgatten before she went to work. ill be back and ill be blogging...at least until this gets boring....haha....i think this will work for awhile...