So...this is a blog spot....cool....i am a 40 year old female that is still trying to figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i would like to say that i had a normal childhood and a great family, but im not very good at telling lies. my mom was great. since she died 4 years ago, we dont really have a family. its just not the same. i always try to look at the good side of things, but lately it has become more difficult to find anything good. maybe im having a mid-life crisis or something. a long time ago, i spoke with a counselor that said it is healthy to write when you get a bunch of things in your head, so i thought i would check out this whole blogging thing. i dont know if anyone is going to read this, but it does help to fell like im talking to someone...haha. i tried to keep a diary once or twice, but i hate writing...it cramps my hand....so, typing is better for me. anyway, like i was saying...my whole family is nuts...not funny nuts, but crazy nuts. from what ive heard since mom died...my brothers and sisters...i have 4..were not happy when mom met my dad. i guess he was always kind of harsh and abusive, so they took it out on me. never wanted me in the family, so i have been told repeatedly. screw them...i never did anything to them...my dad was a jerk to me too, not just them. the only thing that saved us is that he worked alot. he was gone most of the time, but i do remember when he came home there was always a big fight...then he would buy a bunch of stuff, everyone happy again...go back to work. maybe thats why mom drank so much...maybe thats why she isnt here now....she died from liver failure. thats not a pleasant way to go at all. if they want folks to quit drinking, maybe they should have a film of someone when their liver shuts down...its not pretty at all. mom was coughing up some blood a little and the nurse gave me a bucket to hold...then it seemed like all of moms insides came out into that bucket......i had her blood all over my hands and it has stuck with me to this day. i wonder where the rest of the family was and why i had to hold the damn bucket. one of my sisters came here to live with dad....to help....yeah...whatever. just waiting for dad to die so they can take whatever he has left i guess. now i am living in mom and dads little guest house, but not for free. i pay the taxes and the insurance on the house and pay the mortgage, but im not allowed to make any decisions here cuz its still dads house. every time we get in a fight, he says i have to get out. and we fight over stupid stuff. like him wanting me to open and close the window 400 times a day to let cats in and out. i have no problem with cats...i love them...i just dont like all the work they create because dad is obsessive. ive been married for 23 years to a jerk, but i love him.....i wonder if all men are selfish or if its all people or just everyone i know...hmmm.....hes ok....he makes sure we have what we need, but not before he has his needs. at least he works..right? he doesnt hit me or run around with other women or anything, so i guess i could have done worse. our relationship is good...its just missing a spiritual side. he cant seem to understand why i have a need to share thoughts with him. he claims that after all these years we dont have anything left to talk about....but what about daily events? cant we talk about the news and stuff? no....we have very different political views. we have different views on everything. he hates everybody i think... he complains about rich people and poor people and handicapped people and so on. i told him that we could have been better off financially if we had worked harder and didnt party away our youth, but he cant see it....well...im going to go for now...i have to go fix the old guy some breakfast....my sis must have forgatten before she went to work. ill be back and ill be blogging...at least until this gets boring....haha....i think this will work for awhile...
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